Ha!
You think you’re so smart, so evolved, so aware. You read loads of personal development books and blogs, you listen to leaders and new people breaking through in the thought leadership and self-care world. You’re there.
Right?
Wrong!
Because it’s not what you’ve learned, it’s what you do. It’s not what you know, it’s what you use.
BTW: I’m writing this for me, so don’t get mad if you think I’m giving you attitude, this is all about me.
Because I do immerse myself in self-care, personal development. behavioural science, neuroscience and mental health research every day. And yet, I still forget all about what I’ve learned under pressure.
I’ll give you a little background so you can understand what happened yesterday evening. For the past 9 months, we’ve had to endure construction on a new pathway at the bottom of our street. It’s taking ridiculously long and is irritating as heck.
From January to April, I had no problem walking across the site to access the path I normally choose for walking my dogs, a pre-existing path I’ve used for over 7 years.
In April, a new site engineer decided to put barriers up all around the site, did I mention it was an eyesore? And thus, my access to my preferred dog walking route was cut off.
So, I phone the boss of the building company who I knew slightly and he organised for me to have a key so I could let myself through and walk my dogs safely and not have to go on the main roads.
But then, a few weeks ago, the men changed the locks. I asked them to change them back and was ignored. So, I took to taking a spanner and a pair of scissors with me every time I walked the dogs, using them to open one of the links between two of the barriers, creating a space the dogs and I could slip through.
This went on, like a game of cat and mouse until last Friday, with me opening a gap to slip through and one of the workmen closing it back up again, every day, twice a day.
But then, last Friday, they set up the barrier I normally use, so when I went to open it, it fell on top of me and my dogs!
That stirred up my rage, which had been quietly simmering over the past while. I was so mad because they could have hurt me and more so, they could have hurt my precious dogs. I was so mad, that taking no notice of the downpour, I got my spanner out and took every closing link of every barrier and left them lying on the ground.
Monday afternoon, when I sent out with the dogs, they had closed them all up again and I took out my spanner and opened them again. It’s ridiculous I know, but in my mind they had crossed a line and I was justified in my actions.
Walking home, I was met with the site engineer who tried to tell me that this carry on couldn’t continue and we got into a full scale confrontation with neither of us willing to back down. Eventually, I did win my victory and the lock to which I have the key was reinstated on the site’s gate.
But it was a hollow victory, because as I was walking away, I became aware that I had acted from rage, I had reacted to my anger instead of being in control, instead of practising compassionate communication, as detailed by the great Mark Waldman and whom I’d just been listening to earlier.
I had lost control of myself. But there’s no point in kicking myself for it, instead I was grateful that I had recognised so quickly that there was an alternative way for me to behave that would have served me and the other person so much better.
I’m relieved to say I did not stew on the incident with variations of ‘I should have said that,’ running through my brain, so I know I’ve made some progress down the years.
The good news is that I have progressed even further now. As I was crossing the road the next day and a car tried to cut me off, I was halfway across the T junction, so the right of way was mine and I instinctively went into battle mode, staring the driver down, but almost immediately I became aware of what I was doing and started breathing in ‘love and kindness’ like a mantra/meditation.
Instantly, my shoulders relaxed down from where they had jumped up to my ears! My posture relaxed and rage was completely averted.
It’s about awareness, becoming more aware every day and slowing down to breathe and taking control over my reactions and over my emotions.
Yay! I’m learning and doing, which is where I want to be. Always improving on the me of the previous day, the previous moment, being the best version of me I can be right now.
Isn’t that what you want, to be the best version of you that you can be? It’s why you’re reading this, right?
Cynthia Curry 